Cunt of the Week: Mariah Carey

Are you nauseous yet?

I don't know what is it about Mariah Carey that makes my skin crawl. Maybe it's because she has her head shoved too far up her own ass. Or perhaps it's because she's the closest thing we have to a real live Miss Piggy. But mostly it's because she's a raging cunt, and as such, she's getting Cunt of the Week.

Mariah has been in the music biz since your grandparents came out of the womb. And ever since then, her name has been synonymous with the term "diva," and not in the good way. Let's take a closer look.

• She's married to Nick Canon.
• She doesn't wear flat shoes. "My feet repel them," she has said.
• She's 43 now, but who's counting? Certainly not her. "Honestly, I don't even have birthdays. I call them anniversaries. It really is about how young you feel. I'm eternally 12." (Or 43.)
• Her diva demands include 11 body guards to shield her from other diners in restaurants and assistants specifically designated to test staircases and cover Mariah's bad angles from the cameras. She's been known to demand antique tables flown in from New York for fan signings, as well as request pink carpets, 20 white kittens, 100 white doves, and butterflies. For her dressing room, there shall be "no busy patterns; black, dark grey, cream, dark pink are all fine."
• In 2001, she showed up on MTV's TRL unannounced, passed out ice cream to the audience, and said "If you don’t have ice cream in your life, sometimes you just might go a little bit crazy." This was before she started stripping for the cameras.
• That same year, she released her star vehicle film Glitter, which was panned by critics and bombed at the box office. In 2010, Mariah blamed its lack of success on 9/11 rather than just admitting that nobody gave a flying pig shit about the movie.
• She insured her legs for $1 billion.
• I'm surprised she doesn't insure her voice, because these are the lengths she goes to in order to protect it: "I'll have 20 humidifiers around the bed. Basically, it's like sleeping in a steam room. The bed is all toweling cloth, the ceiling is sloped so the water can't fall on my head, and it drips down to my side. My TV is behind glass."
• She often cancels early interviews because she's "not a morning person," and insists that they be pre-recorded so she can cut out parts she doesn't like.
• Ever the egotists, she and Nick listen to her music during sex. When she's away, he'll masturbate to her songs, particularly "Hero", which is all about finding your inner strength during times of self-doubt. Oh yeah, that's hot.
• There was the whole Nicki Minaj feud, and #TeamNicki tbqfh... 
• She won't speak to anyone for two days before a concert and communicates solely via notes. But even that's too strenuous, and she's looking into getting a voice machine like Stephen Hawking. I'm sure that those around her are grateful for those two days when they can have some peace and quiet.
• In May, she shut down Disneyland to have her vows renewed. Because that's not selfish.
• She arrived 90 minutes late to an awards show because of a broken nail.
• While discussing her current single, "#Beautiful", Mariah stated: "It’s genre-less… It’s not following a trend. That’s the best thing about this record in my opinion, because having to follow trends is not what’s fun about making music." Mariah HATES trends, you guys. That's why there's a hashtag in the song's title.
• After pushing back the original July 23 release date of her upcoming album, Mariah said: "While making this album, I got so immersed in the creative process that I just don't feel I would be doing it justice to release it on 7/23. I'd rather not exclude meaningful songs." Firstly, it's never a good sign when an album gets pushed back. It usually means that it sucks. Secondly, how does postponing its release to record new songs help to include the "meaningful" songs she's so interested in protecting? 

Believe it or not, this is just the tip of the iceberg, folks. The girl's two decades of cuntitude leaves much to be explored. I implore you to do so, if you can stomach it. If not, just rest assured knowing that for every person who praises Mariah's vocals and divalicious behavior, there are 10 more who can't wait to call her out for being such a cunt.