Showing posts with label Adele. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Adele. Show all posts

Saturday, October 12, 2013

Miley's New Album Bangerz Is Full of A-List Collabs, Liam Hemsworth, and Bangerz... But Is That a Good Thing?

RIP Hannah Montana

By the end of this year, some of the biggest women in music will have released new material, making 2013 the Hunger Games of pop music. And in this age of crowded radio airwaves, talent is not enough to win. Maybe that's why these pop princesses think if they show enough skin and cross enough lines, they're true artists. Nobody is guiltier of practicing this philosophy than Miley Cyrus, whose foam-fingering, tongue-wagging, ass-twerking debauchery has been the hottest topic on the planet for the past few months. Bangerz, her first album in three years and fourth overall, is the musical embodiment of her recent public transformation, which she has aptly labeled a "strategic hot mess."

But controversy does not equal talent, and while Bangerz is more or less unmistakably Miley, it's hard to ignore the fact that her new musical identity, which she swears is completely genuine, is a calculated cocktail made up of the best parts of Britney Spears, Lady Gaga, Ke$ha, and Rihanna. At it's best, Bangerz showcases what the Disney darling has picked up from these women. At its worst, the album feels like a massive hangover. And though she fails in her efforts to be the ultra pop star and the album just might have what it takes to turn the singer into an actualized musician.

Oddly enough, the album opens with the ballad "Adore You", an undeniably romantic ode to Liam Hemsworth, "holy matrimony" and all. The song does a good job of preparing the listener for the innumerable lyrics clearly aimed at her ex-fiancé; however, it completely buries the lead. Even the second track, "We Can't Stop", is too tame sonically, although it does capture the carefree, smoked-out content that dictates the rest of the album.

The third track, "SMS (Bangerz)", a cheery rap-off with Britney Spears, sets the pace for what follows. The song is disjointed and loud, but when Britney comes in and is all, "Catwalk, slick talk, flirting with them big dogs," she instantly puts Miley's Ke$ha-wannabe speak-singing to shame. Miss Cyrus attempts unabashed rapping on "Do My Thang", on which she proclaims, "I'm a southern belle, crazier than hell." If anything, the song is a good argument that Miley should never rap again.

"#GETITRIGHT" is Miley's attempt at Daft Punk's "Get Lucky", and oddly enough, both were crafted by Pharrell. In it, the singer exudes the same confidence she did while humping a wrecking ball completely naked: "I'm dancing in the mirror/I feel like I got no panties on/I wish that I could feel ya/So hurry, hang up that damn phone."

Every once in a while, Miley tosses out dramatic ballads. While "Wrecking Ball", the singer's first domestic number one single, stands out well on its own, it becomes quickly jaded and repetitive on the album when tracks like "Adore You", "Maybe You're Right", and "My Darlin'" capture the same sound and emotions.

Only twice on the album does Miley get experimental (a generous term for deviating slightly from her peers), and it yields mixed results. The Nelly-featured "4x4" is merrily infused with country elements. The duo takes on Bonnie & Clyde personas as they let their Southern twang run as wild as the high-speed chase they sing about. On "FU", Miley attempts to emulate Adele against a French Montana-produced EDM backdrop as she belts out, "I got two, two two letters for you/One of them's F and the other one's U". It's easily the most uninspired and blood-curdling song on the album.

Every song on Bangerz is a banger: a loud, colorful, trashy depiction of how the singer lives (or at least how she wants us to think she lives). But it's in that chaos that the album works; even when it's bad, it's so bad, it's almost good. Miley isn't doing anything that hasn't been done before her, and Bangerz is hardly the artistic statement she thinks it is, but this very well may be the record that legitimizes Miley as anything but Hannah Montana gone bad.

Monday, February 25, 2013

A Few Thoughts on the Oscars

Doin' it with class.
There's no way you don't know that the Oscars were last night. Even if you weren't aware of the ceremony itself, you sure as hell know it by another name, such as "OMG ADELE IS AMAZING! LOVE HER!" or "lol Jennifer fell! Aww she is so genuine!" But you haven't heard about the Oscars until you've heard my opinion on the grand affair. So let's jump right into it, shall we?

Snaps for Seth
Seth MacFarlane was an awesome host. Why the creator of some of TV's trashiest shows was asked to host the most prestigious award show in the industry, I'm not sure, but I was genuinely impressed with him. He wasn't roll-on-the-floor funny, and despite people's constant bitching, I think his jokes were tamer than they should could have been. Was I the only one who enjoyed the boob song? And he was looking pretty sharp in that tux of his. And that VOICE! From the creator of Family Guy?! Who knew!

It's about time someone called out Kate Winslet.
Kristen Stewart Crawls Out from Beneath Her Bridge
UMMMM. Who the hell invited Kristen Stewart? Better yet, why was Bella Swan presenting an award with Harry Potter? The second I saw KStew hobble on stage with her bedhead, I hoped people would start booing her. Remember when she was the most hated woman in America because she was a homewrecking whore? I guess now she's forgiven and can roll into the Oscars like its a casual Tuesday night trip to Walmart.

Innumerable tributes to Chicago
I realize that the theme of the Oscars was Music in Film, but I was pretty much done with the tributes to Chicago by number two. Yeah, yeah, it's a great film and one of the best musicals ever blah blah blah. Aren't there other musicals from years past to showcase? Better yet, shouldn't they focus on the music in this year's films?

Speaking of Chicago...

Nicole Kidman called. She wants her face back.
Get out of here, Renée Zellweger! You're drunk!
Seriously, this bitch was on horse tranquilizers. What the fuck was wrong with her? Not only did she look like a melted Sour Pouch Kid, but she could barely stand up straight and refused to read the winners. TWICE. Holy fuck.

Brave as Best Animated Film
Alright. Guess the Academy has decided to start recognizing utter shit as fine cinema. Whatever. 

The crack about the Kardashians
No.

The crack about Rihanna and Chris Brown
Yes.

Robert Downey, Jr. liked it.
Quentin Tarantino Thanks Himself
Not unlike Kristen Stewart, Quentin Tarantino looked like he came to the event hungover from his bachelor party. He then proceeded to basically only thank himself during his acceptance speech for Best Original Screenplay. (Special shout out to Jamie Foxx's facial expression while Tarantino basically shat on him and the other Django Unchained actors.) I'm not sure if I really hated the speech or really loved it. TBD that shit.

Jennifer Takes a Tumble
Mmhmm! That's what I'm talking about. JLaw continued being her awesome self by falling down on her way to accept her Oscar. But the best was yet to come. Her interviews with the press afterwards are gems. Watch them if you haven't.

Forever immortalized.
Anne Hathaway Continues to Annoy the Living Shit Out of Me
"It came true," Anne Hathaway said wistfully before thanking a laundry list of people while she accepted the award for Best Supporting Actress. From that moment on, I knew my hatred for her would grow by at least 50% by the end of her speech. And it did. When she started talking about the plights of her fictional character and relating it to the real world, I was done.

Adele Underwhelms But Makes Up for It
Eh. I mean, yeah her voice is amazing. And she's a vocalist, not a performer. But she looked bored up there on stage. I'm not asking her do full-blown choreography or anything, but she could have at least looked like she was having fun. But when she won her Oscar and was really adorable during her speech, or lack thereof, she was forgiven.

Hugh Jackman
Always right.

Little Girl from Beasts of the Southern Wild
Quvenzhané Wallis, it was cute the first time you cheered for yourself. But the second time? #overit

She dgafs about my opinion. And that's fine.
Michelle? Girl, whatchu doin?
Like most, I was really confused when Michelle Obama basically took over the Oscars at the end. She's awesome, for sure. But, like... why? Am I right?

Kristen Chenoweth 
It should be a golden rule that you cannot, CANNOT, have an awards show without Kristen Chenoweth. I loved her and Seth's musical number at the end as they tried to lift the spirits of the losers. But the whole time I was thinking about how that was rehearsed... So they must have known who won (or, who didn't win) before the show took place, right?

And there you have it. The best and the worst of the Oscars. If there's anything we can take from this, it's that Seth MacFarlane should host again next year, Anne Hathaway should retire, and Renée Zellweger should be in rehab.

Friday, February 1, 2013

Tommy Picks 5 Duets That Need to Happen

#1 for sure.
Have you ever loved two artists so much that you think they'd make beautiful music together but then they never do?! This is my daily plight. In an effort to spread the word and also live out my musical fantasies, I've selected my top five dream duets.

5. Adele and Eminem
I swear to god, this would be so good. It could be like "Love the Way You Lie" except 100 times better because Rihanna wouldn't be involved. Can't you just hear Eminem rapping really angry lyrics and then Adele comes in and is all "Let the sky faaaall." It almost makes too much sense.

4. Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez
I'm sure I'm not alone in this particular fantasy. True, I dreamt this up when the Biebs and Selena were still together, but two former flames can still sing a song together! Rihanna and Chris Brown did it. Miley Cyrus and Nick Jonas did it. So why can't these two?

3. Carrie Underwood and Nicki Minaj
I'm totally serious about this one. I think Carrie is a little too classy to have Nicki sing on her song, so it would have to be Carrie lending her vocals to a Nicki track. Better yet, Nicki should just take "Before He Cheats" and remix the shit out of it.

2. Ke$ha and Macklemore
I'm not exactly Macklemore's #1 fan, but I recognize his potential, especially in becoming the male Ke$ha. And what better way to solidify the title than by dueting with Ke$ha, glitter and all? This is a fucking genius idea and I'd like royalties when it happens.

1. Britney Spears and Adam Levine
Okay. I totally had this idea long before Christina Haguilera poisoned Maroon 5's "Moves Like Jagger". Even after that overplayed train wreck, I don't think there's any reason why Adam Levine couldn't holler on over to Britney's eighth album and lend his beautiful, albeit high-pitched vocals to one of her many future smashes. I can hear it now. Omg. Life.

Saturday, December 15, 2012

30 Reasons Why You're Not a True Britney Fan

She smells posers.
In today's world, it's hard to tell who's genuine and who's fake as fuck. One of the most colorful illustrations of this struggle is with the Britney fan. Obviously, you suck at life if you aren't a fan of the Queen of Pop. The trouble is, however, some people only pretend to be fans of Britney in order to avoid public persecution. What about YOU? Do you have what it takes to be a true fan, or are you just a poser? Let's see.

You are not a true Britney fan if...
  1. Your favorite Britney song is "...Baby One More Time", "Oops!... I Did It Again", "Lucky", or "Toxic". If any of those are your favorite song, you are so basic and uninspired, it's embarrassing.
  2. You didn't support her during the Dark Ages (2006-2008).
  3. You have ever called yourself a little monster.
  4. "My Only Wish (This Year)" is not one of your holiday music staples.
  5. You don't acknowledge Blackout and Femme Fatale as not only her strongest albums, but some of the best albums of all time.
  6. You try to insinuate that ...Baby One More Time is her best album to date.
  7. You're unaware that Rihanna's "S&M" didn't go to #1 until Britney did the remix.
  8. You've never been to a Britney Spears concert.
  9. You've never seen The X Factor.
  10. You don't know which music video the red jumpsuit is from. (It's "Oops!" in case you're one of them basic bitches.)
  11. Your tumblr dashboard isn't full of Britney gifs.
  12. You don't understand the importance of Starbucks, Cheetos, vanilla-scented candles, and Adele as they pertain to Britney.
  13. You don't know who Jason Trawick is.
  14. You took Justin Timberlake's side during the break-up.
  15. You don't get the "Radar" joke.
  16. You didn't even know there was a "Radar" joke until you read #15.
  17. You think "Hit Me Baby One More Time" and "Dancing Till the World Ends" are the full titles of two of her songs.
  18. You've ever been Team Christina.
  19. You think she's a bad role model.
  20. You think she's a bad mother.
  21. The song title "Rebellion" means nothing to you.
  22. You don't know who Sabi is.
  23. You've never seen Crossroads.
  24. You can't say which song "It's Britney, bitch" comes from.
  25. You don't acknowledge the Madonna-Britney kiss as a passing of the torch from the former Queen of Pop to the current.
  26. You don't know what "If U Seek Amy" means.
  27. You didn't know that Rihanna's "Umbrella" and Lady Gaga's "Telephone" were both originally written for Britney, but she turned that shit down.
  28. You don't think that December 2 should be a national holiday and Kentwood, Louisiana a national landmark.
  29. You think "Soda Pop" is fun, catchy, and totally classic Britney.
  30. You think The Original Doll is a nickname for whoever established The Pussycat Dolls.
There you have it. Thirty reasons why you may not be a true Britney fan. If you can say with absolute certainty that nothing on that list applies to you, congrats! Welcome to the family. However, if even one item describes you in the least bit, you can just go hang your head in shame. Ain't nobody got time for you.

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Tips for the Casual Insomniac

Every night, tbh.

 If you're like me, sleeping comes as easily as a tolerance for Zooey Deschanel. I've spent many a night laying awake, usually without purpose, hoping that my insomnia would somehow magically cure itself. But nay; I would always remain wide awake. In this regard, I was not at all unlike a Katy Perry song.


Over the years, I have developed a series of methods designed to help one get a good night's rest. So, come hither, fellow insomniacs!

1. Pretend your famous. While planning my inevitable future as a beloved public figure and television personality consumes my everyday life, it's also what puts me to sleep. I can't count the number of times I imagined myself giving an interview on the Today show. What kinds of questions would they ask me? How would I answer? It's too much fun to think about, and even though it's fascinating beyond belief, it does help me sleep. I encourage you to do the same. (For some of you, it'll take some extra creativity to imagine why you'd ever be famous. Just sayin'!)

2. Text a friend. Ask him or her about their lives, their hopes and dreams for the future. That oughta put you out!

3. Download the Britney Spears lullaby album. Even though I have yet to find a time of day during which listening to Britney Spears is a bad idea, her parade of pure and utter jams will only inspire you to live life, not rock you to sleep. So what's the next best thing? Well, there's an album containing lullaby versions of Britney Spears songs courtesy Twinkle Twinkle Little Rock Star! That's right. Downloaded it last night. No regrets. Although it didn't put me to sleep; I was too busy singing along that I forgot I was tired. Still, it's worth a try! And if Britney doesn't do it for you, then (1) you're an abomination to the human race, and (2) Twinkle Twinkle Little Rock Star has innumerable lullaby albums dedicated to a wide range of artists, such as Maroon 5, Adele, and even legendary cunt Taylor Swift.

4. Plot the downfall of a nemesis. If you're at all like me, enemies are a dime a dozen. There's no shortage of people to channel your unwanted nighttime energy toward. If you're going to be awake, you might as well be productive and ensure that your daylight hours are free from the various fuckers who taint your everyday life.

5. Don't be addicted to caffeine. A lot of my insomnia could probably be cured if I didn't intake so much caffeine. Starbucks runs at 9pm? Yeah, not a good idea.

If these fool-proof suggestions don't help you regulate your sleeping schedule, then you are absolutely fucked. Best of luck to you. Everyone else, you're welcome.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Kelly Clarkson: Queen of Flops and Also Covers

Even she knows she's a flop!

Kelly Clarkson, to put it quite simply, puzzles me. Sometimes she's a star, sometimes she's a flop. Sometimes she's thin, sometimes she's, well, not. Sometimes I care, but most of the time I don't. I just don't get it. I'm not sure what her game plan in life is, but if she thinks she can just coast on the "prestige" of being the first American Idol, she better think again, because she may be the first American Idol, but Carrie Underwood will always be the best. As for the other winners, do you know their names? Do you even know how many there are? I digress slash rest my case.

Anyway, just when I think we're finally done with Kelly and that she's given up on her career, she comes flying out of the woodwork like a bat out of hell with catchy tunes such as "Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You)" and then she thinks she's hot shit again, taking the whole country by storm and performing in semi-full, mostly outdoor venues. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. How she swallows her pride, musters up the courage to perform under such circumstances, and resists the humiliation of it all is beyond me! Of course, this all happens when she's not busy judging the smash hit singing competition Duets on ABC. (Haven't heard of it? Yeah, I haven't really either.)

I'm convinced that her career resurrection is only temporary, but not even I can deny that which launched Kelly into stardom in the first place: her voice. While her voice is usually wasted on her own songs, like the clumsy country wannabe shitfest "Mr. Know It All" as well as early hits like "Miss Independent" and "Walk Away" that have been exhausted to fucking death, Kelly also loans her golden pipes to other songs. You know, good songs. At every show of her Weaker Stronger Tour, bitch belts out a fan-requested cover like nobody's business. Below are some of my faves. If you've given up on Kelly like I had, perhaps these will help you flip a U-ie and holla back into her fandom.

"Everytime" by Britney Spears

"Someone Like You" by Adele

"Fix You" by Coldplay