Now I'm not a big car person. If it works, great! I'll take it. But Ford's most recent ad campaign has me excited in a way I never thought automobiles would.
JWT India has produced several images for the Ford Figo's "leave your worries behind" slogan, and one such picture (above) pokes fun at a historically infamous celebrity feud. It show Paris Hilton in the drivers seat of the car with Kim, Kourtney, and Khloé Kardashian bound and gagged in the trunk. Hilarious! Aside from the rather rude caricature of Khloé, I think the ad is fucking phenomenal. So topical, so smart. I'm in love.
Of course, a bunch of people got super pissed about it and since Ford has no backbone, the company issued an apology and removed the ads from digital distribution. Too bad, I would have totally purchased the car solely based of this campaign, and I'm sure I'm not alone.
Who else could I be talking about other than the frenemy? A frenemy, for those basic bitches who don't know, is that one friend you want to kill but tolerate for whatever reason. The best frenemyships have a wicked sense of rivalry as well. Biffles one minute, mortal enemies the next. It's a beautiful thing. Let's look at some examples, shall we?
Who wore it best? The answer is neither, but let's just say Kelly because she didn't wear the fugly gloves.
5. Brenda Walsh and Kelly Taylor Imagine you've just moved to Beverly Hills from Bumfuck, Minnesota and instantly befriend the most popular girl in school. Sounds too good to be true, right? It is. Brenda Walsh learned that life just isn't that easy in Beverly Hills, 90210. She became fast friends with Kelly Taylor, who wasn't outwardly bitchy but definitely showed little to no consideration for others. Pretty soon, however, their friendship took a sour turn and evolved into frenemyhood.
Whether she's leaving Brenda stranded at the beach without a ride or sleeping with her boyfriend, Kelly proved that she truly dgafed when it came to her friend's feelings. That's not to say Brenda is innocent. She took a serious toll on Kelly just by being her gross, obnoxious self, and commented on how stuck-up and spoiled Kelly was on a near-episodic basis. Despite the constant downs, the girls remained friends, even in the 90210 reboot, on which they also continued arguing.
Brenda and Kelly's frenemyhood is unique, however, because the characters were played by real-life frenemies Shannen Doherty and Bitch of the Year Jennie Garth. It's common knowledge that the actresses did not get along, but since then, they've each individually stated that they've "renewed" their friendship and got along "most" of the time on set. We all know that ain't true. #TeamJennie
Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and your frenemies as close as possible.
4. Judy Garland and Lana Turner Proving that this phenomenon is as old as time, Judy Garland and Lana Turner began their frenemyship in the dark ages of the 1930s. Both actresses were signed to MGM as teenagers and were forced to deal with one another 24/7, whether they were working on a film together or not. By most accounts, they got along fairly well and there was little animosity. There was, however, some mad jealousy on JGar's part. Judy, openly criticized for her looks, was forever branded the platonic girl next door and was given roles that suited this image. Meanwhile, the beautiful Lana was lionized into a sex symbol.
Judy had a major inferiority complex when it came to Lana, which was only fueled by the men they shared. Lana had an affair with their mutual costar, Mickey Rooney, for whom Judy had strong feelings. Later, Lana eloped unexpectedly with Judy's boyfriend, bandleader Artie Shaw. A regular friendship would have ended by this point. However, like true frenemies, the women remained friends for the remainder of their lives, even though Lana's beauty withstood the test of time while Judy became considerably more trollish. If there's something to be learned here, it's that good-looking people really do have it better. Good news for me!
3. Angelica Pickles and Susie Carmichael In her Bitch of the Week article, I detailed why Angelica Pickles is just the most.Good girl Susie Carmichael from down the street couldn't keep up, so they could never be friends. They could, however, be frenemies. No longer babies, but far away from the world of adulthood, the 3-year-olds were constantly forced to be with one another at neighborhood gatherings, pre-school, etc. Angelica and Susie turned everything into a competition, even winning the loyalty of the babies. Because Angelica's only skill was her bitchery, she often lost. But she always put up a good fight! And what's important is that the girls remained friends, as seen in the atrocious Rugrats spin-off All Grown Up.
For more on Angelica and Susie's frenemyship, watch this short yet amazing clip from The Rugrats Movie.
2. Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian There are no better frenemies than those that are also famous socialites. This scientifically proven fact is perhaps best illustrated by Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian. There was a time when the girls were just friends, but that was back when Paris was the iconic blonde of her generation and Kim hadn't yet learned how to pluck her eyebrows.
Paris made a rookie mistake of teaching Kim her ways. Once Kim's sex tape was floating around the internet, her star shined even brighter than Paris' when she made the same move. Kim then hollered with a reality show, the famed Keeping Up with the Kardashians, just as Paris had done with The Simple Life. The difference? Kim was smart and enlisted her family as her costars. Paris went with the unreliable selection of another frenemy, Nicole Richie, so it's no wonder that didn't last long. The golden rule of frenemyhood is never work with a frenemy. #duh
The joke is on Paris, however. Between a clothing store chain, countless perfumes, 4 reality shows, a 72-day marriage, and a much-hyped-about baby on the way, Kim is far more famous and overexposed than Paris ever was. The two debutantes still claim to be on good terms with one another, except for occasional hijinks, like the time Paris said Kim had a butt like cottage cheese.
Delusions of grandeur: one of the warning signs of a frenemy.
Frenemies may also have homosexual tendencies.
1. Serena Van Der Woodsen and Blair Waldorf No show in the history of television has better demonstrated the cult of the frenemy better than Gossip Girl, which basically chronicles the frenemyship of Upper East Side teens Serena Van Der Woodsen and Blair Waldorf. The former breezes through life despite her attempts to rehabilitate* her image; the latter is a narcissist who works for everything she gets. The two couldn't be more unalike, and therefore could never be just plain ol' friend friends. Thus, they were frenemies!
The show begins with Serena returning from a year of boarding school, during which time she chose to cut off all contact with Blair and their friends. Naturally, Blair took over as the "it" girl and head bitch in their social circle and was none-too-pleased that Serena had made a comeback. What ensued was six years of the most beautiful frenemyship known to man. As friends, they supported one another unconditionally, helped the other achieve her goals, and schemed to take down mutual foes. As enemies, they fought over boys, social status, and loyalty. In some of their best arguments, they attempted the thwart the other's chances at getting into college, and at one point Blair even banished Serena from New York City when S refused to rekindle their friendship.
* Perhaps a poor choice of words, given that she's a fucking coke addict.
So there you have it. Five flawless examples of frenemies. We can learn something from each of these dynamic duos, because we all have frenemies. If you think you don't, you're either delusional as fuck or just plain stupid. Either way, you're screwed because you don't know how to handle LIFE.
For hours now, I have been fascinated by the societal phenomenon known as the other sister. This term refers to the sister of someone super famous and successful. The other sister is typically a major flop at life and pressed as fuck when it comes to her sister's fabulous life. I've compiled a list of the most notably pressed other sisters to help give the term legs.
Haylie sucks in her stomach. If looking skinnier than Hilary is all she can get, then so be it!
1. Haylie Duff Imagine being the older sister to the girl who revolutionized Disney Channel at the ripe age of 13 and remained famous well into adulthood for doing close to nothing else. This is the plight of Haylie Duff, whom you may know better as "Hilary's embarrassingly desperate sister." It's so easy to forget that Haylie is also in show business. Her career highlights include a supporting role in the overrated film Napoleon Dynamite and covering "Our Lips Are Sealed" with Hilary. Other than that, Haylie has mostly just stayed behind the scenes, writing and producing songs for her sister while Hilary soaks up all the attention and fame.
Most of Haylie's attempts to secure acting roles have been met with the response "Oh, we thought you were Hilary. Umm. Don't call us, we'll call you." She even tried to get her own recording career started, until Paris Hilton stole her song and people decided that they just didn't want to deal with Haylie anymore. C'est la vie! Just think, Haylie, had you been born just two years later, you could have been Lizzie McGuire!
I know what you're thinking. No, this is not Paris taking her horse out to the pasture. That's her sister, Nicky!
2. Nicky Hilton Speaking of Paris Hilton, did you forget that she had a sister? I often do. In fact, the only thing I really knew about Nicky is that she got screwed in the name department. (Imagine having a sister named Paris while you're saddled with a name like Nicky, which just sounds like a bunch of gibberish!) Anyway, through my research, I learned something new: Nicky is actually younger than Paris. I always assumed she was older; she sure looks like it!
While Paris and Nicky stumbled into the spotlight together in the early 2000s, Paris swiftly realized that Nicky was holding her back, probably because she's about as interesting as a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. So Paris went ahead without her sister, made a sex tape, got a reality show, and the rest is history. Nicky was so pressed that she got a quickie Las Vegas marriage in 2004, hoping to earn some attention. Her plan didn't work out, and neither did her marriage, in case you were curious, which I'm sure you weren't. It's safe to assume that Nicky will spend the rest of her life in a Hilton Hotel room while Paris bathes in the spotlight. What's funny is that the Hilton sisters also have two brothers. At least Nicky can say she's more famous than them!
Who's that basic bitch standing next to Anne?
3. Mary Boleyn Other sisters have been plaguing humanity throughout history. A really long time ago, King Henry VIII was fucking, marrying, and killing any seemingly fertile woman that came his way. One such slore was Anne Boleyn, his second wife whose marriage to Hank basically changed the face of England for all eternity. But whatever. More importantly, Anne was a grade A bitch, if her portrayal in The Other Boleyn Girl is anything to go by. #NotHereForHistoricalAccuracy Even more importantly, she had a sister named Mary, who was about as basic and pressed as they come.
Mary tried so hard to be like Anne, but she never did anything right. Anne's coy flirting and teasing eventually got her a throne and a tiara. Meanwhile, Mary put out for any king who glanced her way and all she got were a couple of bastard children who received no special royal treatment. Mary had such severe other sister syndrome that for centuries nobody cared about her, if they even knew she existed at all. In fact, nobody even knew when the hell she was born. It was only recently that people started giving a flying fuck about her, but that's mostly because our society has gotten more interested in King Henry, Anne, and the Tudor era in general and Mary was just kind of there (not at all unlike how Kevin Jonas is just kind of there with Nick and Joe, but that's for another day). The only good thing Mary had going for her is that she didn't get her head chopped off like Anne did. Then again, what a fabulously dramatic way to peace out. You go, Anne!
The Spears sisters before they both fucked up.
4. Jamie Lynn Spears While Jamie Lynn Spears is a pressed other sister through and through, I would almost classify her as her own breed. Unlike the other basic bitches on this list, I actually like Jamie Lynn! But that doesn't change the fact that every decision she's ever made seems like a calculated plan to outshine her sister, the legendary Miss Britney Spears. Jamie Lynn has been pressed since birth, mostly due to the fact that Britney got an actual name and all she got was a hybrid of her father and mother's names (Jamie and Lynn, respectively). Then, as Britney became the greatest thing to grace this desolate planet, Jamie Lynn was like, "Wait, me too!" Here's a run down of what happened next:
Britney got her start on The Mickey Mouse Club, so naturally Jamie Lynn had to squeeze her way into another kid-friendly variety show. She did so in All That - not the good All That with Kenan and Kel, the really shitty one that had people like Jamie Lynn.
Britney blew up the music scene with jam after jam. Good ole JL knew she couldn't compete in that arena, so she took the acting route and starred in Zoey 101, which I'll admit is a classic. But it didn't last long, because...
Britney's life was not going so well, so Jamie Lynn decided to fuck a guy from church and birth his baby at the ripe age of 16. "Any meltdown you can do, I can do better," Jamie Lynn warned.
Britney proved she was stronger than yesterday with the most successful comeback this world has ever seen, so Jamie Lynn also attempted a comeback, which so far has comprised of a grassroots effort to launch a music career in Nashville. Good luck. I mean it!
They're both flops, but only one is pressed.
5. Ashlee Simpson Anybody who devotes an entire song to living in her sister's shadow is obviously pressed as fuck. While Jessica Simpson is hardly someone to be jealous of, younger sister Ashlee just can't seem to get her shit together and therefore is practically the poster child for the other sister. Her life has just been a clusterfuck of thinly veiled attempts to replicate Jessica's life. Ashlee became a "singer," just like Jessica. Ashlee became an "actress," just like Jessica. Ashlee had a reality show, just like Jessica. Ashlee's controversial nose job, which she got after making some spiel about self-image, mirrors Jessica's scrutinized weight fluctuation. Ash even demonstrated that she is just as dumb as Jessica, first when she married Pete Wentz and then when she got caught lip syncing during a performance on Saturday Night Live, did an Irish jig to distract the audience, and then blamed it all on acid reflux. Jessica has had some pretty embarrassing TV moments, but at least they were never that bad! In trying to copy her sister's every move, Ashlee proved only two things: (1) The spelling of her name is fucking disgusting; and (2) playing dumb only works for blondes. Sorry 'bout it!
