Tommy Picks 20 Things to Look Forward to in 2014

Happy New Year, everyone! As we herald in 2014, and hopefully get over everything that was wrong with last year, it's important that we embrace what lies ahead. After all, there's so much to look forward to in 2014, like...

1. Orange Is the New Black. Was last season's cliffhanger juicy or what?
2. Carrie Underwood's fifth album. There's no confirmation of a 2014 release, but the Queen of Country has said that her post-Sound of Music days will be devoted to working on new material.
3. The Hunger Games: Mocking Jay - Part I. Hopefully it continues the pattern and is even better than Catching Fire.
4. Possible reunions. The possibilities are endless and the rumors are rampant. I'd love to see fabulous reunions for Mean Girls, Desperate Housewives, Beverly Hills, 90210, and, of course, Friends.
5. Lea Michele's debut album.
6. Lana Del Rey's third album, UltraViolence.
7. Maleficent. It may star a former Cunt of the Week, and the trailer may have been disappointing, but everybody loves a Disney fairytale turned on its side!
8. Second rate Disney stars' return to music. 2013 was the year of Miley, Selena, and Demi. If rumors and vague statements are to be believed, 2014 may be the year of Ashley Tisdale and Hilary Duff.
9. Britney: Piece of Me. Vegas, here I come!
10. Noah. Even though I'm not really into Biblical stuff.
11. Darren Criss' debut album.
12. Girls. And Looking, which is touted as the Girls for gays.
13. The Amazing Spider-Man 2. Superhero films may bore me, but the first film in the Spider-Man reboot series was good enough to leave me wanting more. Plus I love me some Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone!
14. Pretty Little Liars. Now that we now EzrA's little secret, things are about to heat up!
15. The Muppets Most Wanted.
16. Seeing if the Superbowl is rescheduled because of snow.
17. Serena. This mysterious Depression-era film, which once again pairs Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence, has been quietly shelved many times, but will finally see its release this April. That doesn't bode well for its quality, but I'm still intrigued.
18. The inevitable break-up of One Direction's Zayn Malik and his fiancée Perrie Edwards. I will NOT let them get married.
19. Big Hero 6. It will be interesting to see how Disney animation handles superheroes.
20. Most importantly, all'a dis.

Cunt of the Week: Lorde and Her Big Ass Mouth

Demonic cunt.

If you've been living under a rock for the past few months, you may not know who Lorde is. But chances are, you're overly familiar with her dull-as-dirt song "Royals", which is about being poor. While I admit the song was catchy at first, I quickly got over it.

Not only that, but this 17-year-old, bug-eyed New Zealander has a big mouth on her, and every time it opens, it spews out countless displays of cuntitude. She's too young to realize that she's making the same mistakes Christina Aguilera did early in her career: trash-talking her way straight into in irrelevance. Let's examine some of these moments, shall we?

Lorde's "Royals" was the song of the summer. But so was Selena Gomez's "Come & Get It". So what did Lorde have to say about her peer?

I'm a feminist and the theme of her song is, 'When you're ready, come and get it from me.' I'm sick of being of women being portrayed this way.

Thankfully, Selena responded and said that a feminist shouldn't be tearing down other women. But Lorde didn't stop there. She slammed Selena, as well as artists like Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift, once again by saying she was better than them because she didn't grow up in the industry.

The difference between those kids and me is I grew up completely normal and went to parties and had that experience. I am way less inclined to be like, "Look! I'm fucking mental!"

Omigod, you went to parties in high school? Gosh, how you've lived! She's also better than anyone who wins a singing competition reality show.

I’m glad I was allowed to develop and work on my talent, unlike many singers today who think the answer is starring on a reality or talent show. Shows like The X Factor or The Voice breed this idea that you get what you want the chancey way rather than by hard work.

Even Justin Bieber wasn't safe from her wrath.

The 'young people.' I feel like the influences that are there in the industry for people my age, like Justin Bieber or whatever, are just maybe not a very real depiction of what it's like to be a young person.

There's no arguing that Lorde borrows a lot from Lana Del Rey. Lorde is playing by the sonic rules that Lana invented. But Lorde takes issue with the superficiality of Lana's lyrics, which focus largely around lavish lifestyle.

All those references to expensive alcohol, beautiful clothes and beautiful cars – I was thinking, ‘This is so opulent, but it’s also bullshit.’

Lorde is so much deeper than that because she doesn't sing about that lifestyle. She sings about wanting it! And here's her throwing some more shade Lana's way.

I was just thinking it's so unhealthy for girls to be listening to, you know, 'I'm nothing without you.' This sort of shirt-tugging, desperate, 'don't leave me' stuff. That's not a good thing for young girls, even young people, to be listening to.

And some more...

Around the middle of last year I started listening to a lot of rap, like Nicki Minaj and Drake, as well as pop singers like Lana Del Rey. They all sing about such opulence, stuff that just didn't relate to me — or anyone that I knew. I began thinking, 'How are we listening to this? It's completely irrelevant. 

David Guetta is one of the most successful and respected producers in the industry. Some of the biggest names in music have worked with him, and he's also catapulted underrated singers into superstardom. But would Lorde ever work with him?

No! Fuck no! He's so gross.

There's also the time Lorde tried to discuss unrealistic expectations of female beauty in the media, but really just ended up likening herself to the "flawlessness" of Taylor Swift.

Taylor Swift is so flawless and so unattainable, and I don't think it's breeding anything good into young girls [who might think] 'I'm never going to be like Taylor Swift, why can't I be as pretty as Lorde?' That's fucking bullshit.

As if all of this isn't bad enough, Lorde crossed a major fucking line when she said:

I’ll never go off the rails like Britney, or do an Amy, because my upbringing was so normal. I can’t touch alcohol at my age and I’m not sure I even want to when I’m older. Six months ago, no one knew who I was and now fans chase my car. But I’m never going to change or let fame get the better of me.

Famous last words, bitch.

It's amazing how Lorde's cuntitude speaks for herself. And while she may make some interesting points, and while she's entitled to her opinions, there's nothing cute about a bratty teenager running her mouth as if it were in the name of feminism. When you have the #1 song in the country, you don't need to tear everybody else down to stay on top. It's cheap and the easiest way to shoot yourself in foot. What a cunt! Can't wait to see her fall.

Jam of the Week: "Summertime Sadness"

As Lana Del Rey continues on her trajectory to well-deserved fame and success, I find myself at a crossroads: I can be happy that this artist that I've enjoyed for so long is finally finding her place in the mainstream public's consciousness, or I can be bitter that one of my little-known gems is now beloved by millions thousands, who will claim they've been fans all along. While I make up my mind (I'm leaning toward the latter), I think it's time to give LDR another Jam of the Week.

"Summertime Sadness" has been blowing up airwaves all summer, and it's what has been propelling Lana into stardom. The problem? The version you're hearing on the radio is a remix, and while it's fun in its own right, it completely obliterates the dramatic theatrical elements that make Lana so great. So this Jam of the Week is all about spreading awareness for the original, flawless version of the song. Enjoy!

Lana Del Rey Allegedly Disses Lady Gaga in Newly Leaked Song

Bitch fight!

As if Lana Del Rey couldn't get any better, she allegedly takes major swipes at former Cunt of the Week Lady Gaga in a newly leaked demo titled "So Legit".

Since Lana began her slow escalation to fame, she's often been called the anti-Gaga because of her image and music. But nobody realized that the singers actually share a past. The two artists, both 27, were managed by Bob Leone in New York before either made it big.

In "So Legit", believed to have been recorded in 2009, right after Lady Gag-me's career took off, Lana refers to her frenemy by her real name, Stefani, and coos:

Stefani, you suck, I know you're selling 20 million/Wish they could have seen you when we booed you off in Williamsburg

Ouch. Love it!

Listen to the diss track below and hear more venomous remarks about the Queen Monster. In the mean time, let's all pray that this turns into a juicy celeb feud. It's been a while since we've had a good one!

Jam of the Week: "Young and Beautiful" by Lana Del Rey

If you're not yet aware of this fact, the soundtrack to The Great Gatsby is going to be fucking amazing. It features Beyoncé covering Amy Winehouse, Jack White covering U2, and original songs by artists like Florence & the Machine, Jay-Z, will.i.am, and of course, Lana "Love Me or I'll Die" Del Rey.

Lana's sultry vocals, cinematic and classical compositions, and lyrical obsession with wealth and glamor are the perfect fit for the film. "Young and Beautiful" is classic Lana (it's very "American" meets "Dark Paradise"), as she asks her man if he will still love her once her youth and beauty fade. Eventually, she pleads to God to let her lover come to Heaven with her. It doesn't make a lick of sense, and that's one of the many reasons I love this song. Enjoy!

Jam of the Week: "Teen Idle" by Marina & the Diamonds

Hey there jammers! Tis the season of midterms, finals, spring break, etc. And there's no better time of year for an absolute jam. This week's reigning song is "Teen Idle" by Marina & the Diamonds. (Yes, it's "idle;" that's not a typo.)

The song is very Lana Del Rey-esque and talks about wasting one's youth being good and is an obvious analogy for the dark side of fame, which is a favorite theme of mine. Enjoy this song and let it guide you through your week, whatever may be in store for you!

Tommy Picks 5 Singers Who Should Have Christmas Albums

In the midst of the 25 Days of Christmas countdown, it's important to acknowledge those truly amazing artists who don't have festive songs to bring us cheer during this holiday season. Here's a list of singers who I think need to release Christmas albums for the 2013 holiday season.

1, 2, 3 not only you and me.

1. The Legendary Miss Britney Spears
We're all aware of "My Only Wish (This Year)", Britney's holiday standard, as well as rumors that she planned to record a Christmas album back in the day, so what's wrong with praying that we someday get a super fun holiday album? Possible lyrics: "Santa's on the roof, the elves are jumping/In your lap the bass is pumping."

2. Lana Del Rey
It'd be such a treat to hear Lana Del Rey put her anti-feminist, damaged beauty queen persona against a winter wonderland backdrop. Possible lyrics: "Kiss me hard before you go/I got my red dress on/Under the mistletoe/In your Bugatti Veyron."

3. Nicki Minaj
As if I even need to explain the fucking epicness that would ensue if Her Minajesty hollered out some jingles. Possible lyrics: "I'm singing ho ho ho's/You fucking little hoes/Couldn't get a man if you was wearing mistletoes."

4. One Direction
Boy bands are back, bitches, and nobody would bring more tidings of comfort and joy than One Direction. Their Christmas album would combine my three greatest loves: the holidays, music geared towards tweens, and British culture. Possible lyrics: "This Christmas, I'm as cold as the snow/I see you with him and I can't let you go."

5. Ke$ha
What's Christmas without a little glitter? Quite simply, a Ke$ha Christmas album would end war and bestow upon us world peace for eternity. Possible lyrics: "Run, run, Rudolf, as fast as you can/Jump inside my fucking gold Trans Am/Forget the sleigh, I'll ride saddle back/Kicking with my girls and a bottle of Jack."

This Christmas, my only wish is that by next Christmas, all of these albums come to fruition. #pray

Review: Paradise by Lana Del Rey

Explicit content indeed.

The summer of 2011 was quite eventful. With Britney Spears on tour, it was damn near impossible to focus on anything else. But it was during those hot months that the artist formerly known as Lizzie Grant starting making waves in the music scene. Lana Del Rey's debut single, "Video Games", put her on the map and she had many people buzzing that she was the savior of pop music; however, she's since experience the ugly side of fame. After two atrocious appearances on Saturday Night Live, critics brutally attacked her debut album Born to Die and wrote her off as quickly as they had originally embraced her.

But that shit ain't gonna keep Lana down. This week, she released her latest work, Paradise. Overall, the album lacks the diversity that made Born to Die so great (where's the quasi-rapping, Lana?), but proves that her debut album was more than just a fluke; she may be a little annoying, and incredibly haunting, but she is talented!

Paradise opens with former Jam of the Week "Ride". As I stated in that post, the song is quintessential Lana, as she sings about wandering through life, looking for love to give her a purpose. "Ride" sets up the album perfectly. "I've been trying too hard with one pretty song," she sings, most likely referencing the single that made her famous. I'm loving the autobiographical content, Lana.

"American", the second track, is one of Lana's prettiest songs. To be honest, I'm not sure what this song accomplishes other than expressing Lana's fondness for Americana, but something meaningful must exist within the lyric "Be young, be dope, be proud/Like an American," a line which is followed by excessive cooing. While I don't know what this song means, I know how it makes me feel, and it makes me feel like I should be rolling around in an American flag while high off shrooms.

"My pussy tastes like Pepsi-Cola," Lana sings at the top of "Cola", the funniest song on the album. The track tells the story of a teenage girl seducing an older married man, which a theme I can really support because it's hilarious. What else is comical? When she says, "Drugs suck it up/Like vanilla Icees/Don't treat me rough/Treat me really nicies." Lana's songs are no strangers to baby-talk, but this really takes the cake for its ridiculousness. After listening to this song, I ask you two questions: (1) Between "Cola" and "Diet Mountain Dew" from her debut album, what's up with Lana's cold pop fixation? And (2) What carbonated beverage does your pussy taste like?

"Body Electric" is the next song, and it opens with the lines, "Elvis is my daddy/Marilyn's my mother/Jesus is my bestest friend." The rest of the song is, unfortunately, a let down. The entire chorus consists of Lana simply saying, "I sing the body electric." What the fuck is the body electric? I'm not sure, but I don't like Lana making up shit to sing about.

Lana's cover of "Blue Velvet" is, quite frankly, disturbing. If you've seen any of Lana's H&M commercials, this is the song playing. It truly makes me feel as if I'm about to get married in some seedy motel or something. I don't like it. At all. Moving on.

"Gods & Monsters" is a great song, if for nothing else but its title. Keeping with the overall theme of the album, the song is about sex. "In the land of gods and monsters/I was an angel looking to get fucked hard," she sings. And apparently, she gets her wish, as additional lyrics go: "Fuck yeah, give it to me/This is heaven, what I truly want." I just wonder if she nailed a god or a monster.

The next song, "Yayo", makes me want to die. Seriously, even Lana sounds like the life is being drained from her as she sings. I'm not sure what a yayo is, but I'm applying the "Body Electric" principle here. I don't like songs about made-up shit!

The final song on the standard edition, "Bel Air" is wonderful because the music makes me feel like I'm driving down Wisteria Lane on a bright spring day. The song successfully conveys the opulence of its namesake, and I'm all for things about rich people.

If you get the album on iTunes, you'll be treated to the bonus track "Burning Desire". It might as well be titled "Ride Part II", as it is incredibly similar to the opening song, at least in theme. One one hand, this makes it a great finale for the album; on the other hand, it seems rather excessive.

In conclusion, Paradise is classic Lana. She exudes the same sex-crazed, love-starved fragility that was at the heart of Born to Die. It proves that Lana is more than a one-hit wonder, but also reminds us all, with its many flaws, that she isn't the savior of pop music as she was once heralded.

Jam of the Week: "Ride" by Lana Del Rey

I've never been so enthralled with a musician as I am with Lana Del Rey. Her music is cinematic, modern, and otherworldly all at the same time. I can't decide if I love her or just love to hate her. Regardless of the reason behind it, her music is fascinating. While it does get a little repetitive, and her vintage fashion doll "love-or-die" persona sets back the women's rights movement a decade or two, there's no denying that she's released a few jams.

In her latest effort, "Ride", Lana sticks to what she knows best: singing about a hard life she didn't actually experience. You see, Lana (whose real name is Elizabeth Grant) likes to pretend that she lived in 1960s America and traveled through the country looking for a man to complete her broke ass. In actuality, she spent her childhood on the Upper East Side and became an alcoholic at the ripe age of 14. I bet she was one of the glamorous alcoholics, too, not the whiny, trashy, or violent ones.

With lyrics such as "I'm tired of feeling like I'm fucking crazy," Lana knows just how to touch the souls of each of her 11 fans. "Ride" is classic Lana and, above all else, a jam (albeit a slow one at that.) If you're interested in just the song, use the video above. However, if you truly want to see what this cray bitch is all about, I suggest you watch the music video below. At 10 minutes, it's a bit long, but well worth it! You get to watch her whore herself out on a pinball machine. No, but really, it's artistic. I promise!