Tommy Picks 20 Things to Get Over for 2014

It's a well-known fact that I am against self-improvement, major lifestyle changes, and starting anew. But this is mostly for myself. For the greater good, I believe that we should greet the New Year without the cumbersome baggage of 2013. Here is a list of 20 things we just really need to get the fuck over before the ball drops.

1. The Power of Beyoncé. I thought it died down after the Superbowl, but leave it to this bitch to release an album out of fucking nowhere. I couldn't avoid her if I hid under a pile of rocks for all of time.
2. "The Fox". You know what? I don't give a shit what the fox says. It can shut the fuck up, and so can you.
3. The Voice. Everybody watches it, but my question is WHY?! None of the winners go on to be successful, so clearly people don't care enough about the acts. And the Adam/Christina banter can only do so much...
4. Boba. That shit is nastaaay! Also cancerous (although, what isn't?).
5. Gluten-free health shit.
6. Hatin' on Kimye. They may be ridiculous, but Kim and Kayne just had a baby. True, she indulges in the limelight and he talks out of his ass, but let's aim our hatred at celebrities who actually deserve it!
7. Pixar. Two summers in a row now, Pixar has failed me. Brave was a pile of duck shit and Monsters University was a major letdown. Meanwhile, Disney has been turning out fantastic movies like Frozen and gets nowhere near as much credit. Disney > Pixar, always.
8. The Jonas Brothers. I'm not exactly sure why the JoBros suddenly got a rise in popularity, but this is not 2007. Yes, they broke up, Nick got hot, and Joe tattled on his fellow Disney stars in a tell-all article, but this is the era of One Direction. Get outta here, JoBros!
9. "Omg Tom Daley is gay?!" Bitch, please. Like you did not see this one coming. And he's not gay, he's bi. We know this because he said he still "fancies" women, which made him sound really gay.
10. Miley Cyrus. As a former Bitch of the Week, Miley should be celebrated. But this obsession over her, positive or negative, is out of all fucking control.
11. Twerking. While we're on the topic of Miley, let's put to rest the issue of the dance move she sensationalized. Now that it's officially in the dictionary, don't you think we should just accept it and move past it?
12. Superhero spin-offs. I don't need 15 fucking movies with Robery Downey, Jr. as Ironman in it this year, thanks.
13. Florida. Damn, the sheer amount of bullshit that comes from that state is reason enough to annex the shit out of it. #tootles
14. Duck Dynasty. I struggle to find the appeal of this hick shit, but the more we discuss Phil Robertson's offensive remarks against the LGBT community, the more attention we bring to that fucking franchise! I am sorry, but I will NOT live in a country that takes pride in being gross. I just won't.
15. Long-ass movies. Films these days are unapologetically long; even the good ones could stand to trim a couple scenes. What's worse, if you wanna be up to speed with dem Oscar contendors, you lose like 45 hours of your damn life. Once a movie hits the two-hour mark, I better see some fucking credits roll.
16. Jelena. Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez are OVER. They are hopefully never (ever ever) getting back together. Let's stop linking every misdeed the Biebs does to his heartache. He is not pissing in a bucket because he misses his ex. He's just an asshole. Similarly, Selena did not just recently cancel the last leg of her tour to deal with the grief from a relationship that ended a year ago.
17. Game of Thrones. Honestly, let's move it along, people.
18. Lady Gaga. It's nice to see that the general public is starting to turn against her, but her 2013 was still far too successful for my liking.
19. That double standard. Why is it that when Zac Efron checks into rehab, he's commended for taking responsibility for his health, but when Selena Gomez was rumored to be checking in, people went ape shit and called her a train wreck? Just sayin'. #feminism
20. The sun. It was just too damn hot this year. That needs to not happen again. Thanks

Cheers! Here's to a better and brighter new year!

2013: A Year in Review

As we close out another year, it's important to celebrate the past twelve months we've spent with Tommy Time. Without further ado, here are your Jam of the Year, Cunt of the Year, and Bitch of the Year for 2013, as voted by you faithful readers...

Jam of the Year

It's no surprise that One Direction takes home the title, but it's puzzling that their new singles "Best Song Ever" and "Story of My Life", which were both nominated, were beat out by this album cut. Still, "Rock Me" is an epic and timeless jam full of thinly-veiled sexual innuendos. Doing us dirty proud, boys!

Cunt of the Year

Lady Gaga is, without a doubt, the biggest cunt in the music industry. Thankfully, you all recognized it. Together, we saw through the elaborate makeup, meat dresses, and equality anthems and saw this mediocre song-stealer for what she truly is. May all of Artpop's commercial and critical shortcomings haunt Lady Gag-me for all eternity.

Bitch of the Year

It's with an almost prohibitive reluctance that I thrust this honorable title among Jennifer Lawrence. As the comments on her Bitch of the Week post indicate, many readers fail to understand that the title is a sacred and celebratory one. Thus, I have no idea how those who voted for JLaw actually feel about her. That issue aside, Jennifer's saucy attitude and legend-in-the-making status are more than enough to secure the title. Well done!

And now, just for the sake of nostalgia, here are the most-viewed Tommy Time posts from 2013.

1. Where Are They Now?: Christy Carlson Romano
2. 20 Things You Didn't Know About Beverly Hills, 90210
3. Cunt of the Week: Justin Bieber
4. Bitch of the Week: Jennifer Lawrence
5. 20 Things You Didn't Know About Friends
6. Where Are They Now?: Lalaine
7. Bitch of the Week: Daisy Duck
8. Demi Lovato: Not a Cunt, Not Yet a Bitch
9. This or That: Selena Gomez vs. Demi Lovato
10. Go Call the Po-Lice! Go Call the Guv-uh-nuh! BRITNEY IS BACK TO WORK, BITCH!!!

Miley's New Album Bangerz Is Full of A-List Collabs, Liam Hemsworth, and Bangerz... But Is That a Good Thing?

RIP Hannah Montana

By the end of this year, some of the biggest women in music will have released new material, making 2013 the Hunger Games of pop music. And in this age of crowded radio airwaves, talent is not enough to win. Maybe that's why these pop princesses think if they show enough skin and cross enough lines, they're true artists. Nobody is guiltier of practicing this philosophy than Miley Cyrus, whose foam-fingering, tongue-wagging, ass-twerking debauchery has been the hottest topic on the planet for the past few months. Bangerz, her first album in three years and fourth overall, is the musical embodiment of her recent public transformation, which she has aptly labeled a "strategic hot mess."

But controversy does not equal talent, and while Bangerz is more or less unmistakably Miley, it's hard to ignore the fact that her new musical identity, which she swears is completely genuine, is a calculated cocktail made up of the best parts of Britney Spears, Lady Gaga, Ke$ha, and Rihanna. At it's best, Bangerz showcases what the Disney darling has picked up from these women. At its worst, the album feels like a massive hangover. And though she fails in her efforts to be the ultra pop star and the album just might have what it takes to turn the singer into an actualized musician.

Oddly enough, the album opens with the ballad "Adore You", an undeniably romantic ode to Liam Hemsworth, "holy matrimony" and all. The song does a good job of preparing the listener for the innumerable lyrics clearly aimed at her ex-fiancé; however, it completely buries the lead. Even the second track, "We Can't Stop", is too tame sonically, although it does capture the carefree, smoked-out content that dictates the rest of the album.

The third track, "SMS (Bangerz)", a cheery rap-off with Britney Spears, sets the pace for what follows. The song is disjointed and loud, but when Britney comes in and is all, "Catwalk, slick talk, flirting with them big dogs," she instantly puts Miley's Ke$ha-wannabe speak-singing to shame. Miss Cyrus attempts unabashed rapping on "Do My Thang", on which she proclaims, "I'm a southern belle, crazier than hell." If anything, the song is a good argument that Miley should never rap again.

"#GETITRIGHT" is Miley's attempt at Daft Punk's "Get Lucky", and oddly enough, both were crafted by Pharrell. In it, the singer exudes the same confidence she did while humping a wrecking ball completely naked: "I'm dancing in the mirror/I feel like I got no panties on/I wish that I could feel ya/So hurry, hang up that damn phone."

Every once in a while, Miley tosses out dramatic ballads. While "Wrecking Ball", the singer's first domestic number one single, stands out well on its own, it becomes quickly jaded and repetitive on the album when tracks like "Adore You", "Maybe You're Right", and "My Darlin'" capture the same sound and emotions.

Only twice on the album does Miley get experimental (a generous term for deviating slightly from her peers), and it yields mixed results. The Nelly-featured "4x4" is merrily infused with country elements. The duo takes on Bonnie & Clyde personas as they let their Southern twang run as wild as the high-speed chase they sing about. On "FU", Miley attempts to emulate Adele against a French Montana-produced EDM backdrop as she belts out, "I got two, two two letters for you/One of them's F and the other one's U". It's easily the most uninspired and blood-curdling song on the album.

Every song on Bangerz is a banger: a loud, colorful, trashy depiction of how the singer lives (or at least how she wants us to think she lives). But it's in that chaos that the album works; even when it's bad, it's so bad, it's almost good. Miley isn't doing anything that hasn't been done before her, and Bangerz is hardly the artistic statement she thinks it is, but this very well may be the record that legitimizes Miley as anything but Hannah Montana gone bad.

Throwback Thursday: Tommy Picks the Best of Britney, Part 3

Watch your finger, boy. You might get burned.

While I we eagerly await the commencement of Britney's new musical era, I'll continue to celebrate the Queen of Pop and all her glory. And what better way than to throw it back to her previous feats? You may recall that I previously selected her top ten singles, and then her top ten non-single songs. What more could I do, you ask?

Well, you're forgetting about the bonus tracks! Whether it's a deluxe edition or an international release, all of Britney's albums have additional songs that don't make the standard cut. It's criminal, really, because a lot of these songs are better than her biggest hits but go unnoticed by the masses. And this list will hopefully remedy that!

10. "Get Back"
"Catch me if you can, don't move too slow," Britney teases flawlessly as she slays your entire life. Continuing the amazingness that is Blackout, "Get Back" was only available on the Japanese edition of the album, and damn are they lucky, because this is a true smash. It's all about inviting a guy to the dance floor, but warning him that if he can't take the heat, he needa step the fuck off.

9. "Don't Hang Up"
One of several Britney songs about phone sex (yes, there are multiple), "Don't Hang Up" seems out of place on In the Zone upon first listen. It sounds sweet, like something Brit would've sang back in her pigtail days; it's not as overtly sexual as, say, "Breath On Me". But with lyrics like, "Pillow is all I have to hold... Without you, I still wanna take you there" and "Don't hang up 'til I'm finished with you," it's clear this international bonus track is naughtier than it lets on.

8. "Quicksand"
It almost sickens me to include this song on the list, as it was written by Lady Gaga. But "Quicksand" is a rare occasion when a post-breakdown Britney sings about emotion rather than sex. In the song, Britney vows to hold on to her significant other, even thought they're "sinking like quicksand." Holler to European iTunes users who were blessed with this song on their Circus downloads.

7. "Before the Goodbye"
Have you ever heard of a dance ballad? Me either, until Selena Gomez's "A Year Without Rain" was described as such. A dance ballad is exactly what it sounds like, and "Before the Goodbye", off of the Spain release of Britney, is the perfect example. Lyrically, the song is about an emotionally absent lover. Ignore the words and you have a fun dance beat perfect for the clubs!

6. "Selfish"
The deluxe edition of Femme Fatale was literally the best thing to happen to humanity in 2011. A jam-packed album extended by four new tracks? Fucking holler. On "Selfish", Britney makes her lover her bitch because tonight is all about her. "Boom boom, baby, pick you up in my Mercedes," she sings iconically and everybody who owns a Mercedes shits themselves with excitement.

5. "Walk On By"
Remember when Britney was still innocent enough to sing about angels? "Walk On By", taken from the UK special edition of Oops!... I Did It Again, is a little over the top, as Britney says her boy toy's face reminds her "of a higher place" and "angels cry" every time he walks on by, but just TRY to listen to this and not say, "Aww! Baby Britney!"

4. "Autumn Goodbye"
Anyone who says Britney can't sing needs to listen to songs like "Autumn Goodbye" and get a fucking reality check. True, Britney rarely pushes her vocal limits these days, but girlfriend was only 15 when she recorded this song, and that kind of talent never goes away. The ...Baby One More Time Japanese bonus track is all about the end of summer love, and it's definitely a highlight in Britney's career in my opinion.

3. "I Run Away"
This lists seems to suggest that Britney delegates heartbreak to foreign releases, and the trend continues with "I Run Away", an exclusive track from the Spain release of Britney. It's another dance ballad, but this time Britney sings about a lover who suddenly leaves her. "Let's pretend that I moved on/And I'll tell myself that life goes on without you," she cries. Whoever would break up with Britney is a fucking idiot.

2. "Amnesia"
Fans in the UK were treated to this Circus treat. "Amnesia" tells the story about a girl getting tongue-tied in the midst of a major hottie, and totally forgetting she's already taken. But she likes the new guy better, so she's just gonna tell her man "he should just effin' go." #PREACH Britney deserves nothing but the best.

1. "He About to Lose Me"
This Femme Fatale deluxe edition track continues the vague theme of adultery. Not only is "He About to Lose Me" one of my favorite songs on the album, but it's one of my favorite Britney songs period. It's all about flirting with the temptation to cheat on a withdrawn boyfriend. In this version, Britney chooses to remain faithful. #OnThatFidelityGrind

BAM! What a flawless list, tbqfh. I hope this list implores you to explore your favorite artist's catalog. You'd be amazed what songs are out there that you probably don't know about, and you might discover a new life jam.

But Britney > your fave. Sorry.

Things Tommy Loves and Hates #7

No.

Thing I Love #7: Color Coding

Is there anything more satisfying than having something organized by color? Not only is it a fun activity to do the actual color coding, but the results are pretty! I'm a firm believer in color coding everything possible.

Thing I Hate #7: Little Monsters

Lady Gaga's fan base is absolutely out of fucking control. Seriously, they need to be hosed down. They've always been unbearable, but ever since the epic "Roar" vs. "Applause" saga of 2013, little monsters have been rearing their ugly little heads in unprecedented racist and homophobic (ironic) ways. Stfu, thanks!

A Few Thoughts on the MTV Music Video Awards

This week, on "Hannah Montana"...

This year's MTV VMAs had everything. Miley Cyrus made everybody unformfortable. Lady Gaga gave everybody nightmares. And Taylor Swift told One Direction and their fans to shut the fuck up. If you're ready to get fucked in the brain, keep reading...

Chuck E. Cheese gone wild.

Miley's Just Being Miley... And the Smith Family Isn't Having It

Miley Cyrus was certainly blurring lines of basic human decency when she performed not only her hit "We Can't Stop", by also accompanied Robin Thicke on "Blurred Lines". And nobody thought it was more ratchet than Will Smith and his children.

"We Can't Stop"? No, you can stop now. Thanks.

And They Weren't The Only Ones

Here are some other audience reactions to Miley's performance.

Rihanna and One Direction are unimpressed.

And Drake is bored as hell.

But Don't Worry, That Didn't Stop Miley from Doing This...

Foam finger genitalia are totally in.

Here's the Full Performance, Because Everybody Should See It

Holy shit, it's like calm the fuck down. "We Can't Stop" is supposed to be a laid back (gross people might even say "chill") song. I don't need you screaming and twerking with fucking giant pink teddy bears. You're also not black, or a man, so yes, you can indeed fucking stop.

Get More: 2013 VMA, Artists.MTV, Music, Miley Cyrus

I Am Katy, Here Me Roar

I was under the impression that Katy Perry wasn't a strong live performer, but she rocked her first performance of her new hit "Roar". Wtf is a lady gaga?

Meanwhile, Lady Gaga Continues to Do Weird Shit Like This

I fucking hate her.

Macklemore Gets a Special Introduction

Even though I'm sick to fucking death of Macklemore's "Same Love", you gotta appreciate the message. And having Jason Collins, the first openly gay NBA star, introduce the song is a nice touch.

'N Sync Reunites... But It Sucks

Justin Timberlake (or the President of Pop, as we're apparently calling him) received the Michael Jackson Video Vangaurd Award, which is just the VMA's pretentious way of saying lifetime achievement aware. (Britney already won it, tbh...) And he performed a beautiful 17-minute long medley of his biggest hits, which of course took us back to 'N Sync. Lance Bass and all the other ones nobody cares about joined Justin on stage for about a minute or two to perform a half-assed version of "Bye Bye Bye". All over the world, 90s children were disappointed.

This is pretty much how long 'N Sync was on stage for.

Taylor Tells Directioners to Shut the Fuck Up

No, this is not a joke. While ex Harry Styles and the rest of One Direction were on stage presenting an award, the crowd went crazy. Taylor's reaction?

Shame on you, Miss Swift!

Why is Selena friends with this bitch again?

You Know What's Definitely NOT the Jam of the Week?

Lady Gaga's new single, "Applause".

My hatred for this gimmicky bitch has been well-documented, but with the sheer amount of anticipation surrounding her triumphant return to music, even I was expecting something that I might actually like.

It turns out "Applause" is one of the worst songs I've ever heard, Gaga or otherwise. Hopefully the rest of the world feels the same way and we won't just send her straight to the top of the charts for simply because she's Lady Gaga.

Lana Del Rey Allegedly Disses Lady Gaga in Newly Leaked Song

Bitch fight!

As if Lana Del Rey couldn't get any better, she allegedly takes major swipes at former Cunt of the Week Lady Gaga in a newly leaked demo titled "So Legit".

Since Lana began her slow escalation to fame, she's often been called the anti-Gaga because of her image and music. But nobody realized that the singers actually share a past. The two artists, both 27, were managed by Bob Leone in New York before either made it big.

In "So Legit", believed to have been recorded in 2009, right after Lady Gag-me's career took off, Lana refers to her frenemy by her real name, Stefani, and coos:

Stefani, you suck, I know you're selling 20 million/Wish they could have seen you when we booed you off in Williamsburg

Ouch. Love it!

Listen to the diss track below and hear more venomous remarks about the Queen Monster. In the mean time, let's all pray that this turns into a juicy celeb feud. It's been a while since we've had a good one!

This or That: Christina Aguilera vs. Britney Spears

Pictured: treasure (left) and trash (right).

It's a rivalry as old as time. The skank vs. the sweetheart, the diva vs. the lolita, the voice vs. the x-factor. That's right. It's Christina Haguilera vs. the Legendary Miss Britney Spears. These two pop stars have been pitted against one another since their diaper days on The Mickey Mouse Club, and I think it's pretty clear to everyone just who came out on top. But for argument's sake, today's This or That will present my reasoning for just how one of these women is better than the other. Let's go!

Musical styles and influence
Britney is always ahead of the curve, setting trends with every song she releases. She's often credited as leading the revival in teen pop in the late 1990s. This blast of bubblegum pop would later allow artists such as Miley Cyrus, Selena Gomez, and Justin Bieber to start their music careers at an early age. With Britney's R&B influences and In the Zone's urban elements, B segued into electropop dance music, which has defined the later half of her career. Without her taking those reins, artists like Lady Gaga wouldn't have careers. And whether you love it or hate it, dubstep was first introduced into mainstream music by Britney's "Freakshow". Blackout was dubbed the most influential pop album of the decade by Rolling Stone, and it was also inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Britney's influence is massive and beyond reproach!

Christina's R&B influences and preference for low-profile producers helped her establish a unique identity that was pretty different from Britney's at first. And it worked, and her willingness to take risks produced the wonderfully jazz-infused Back to Basics album. But in recent years, Christina has had an identity crises. After dismissing autotune, her vocals on Bionic were notably computerized. (She later called the album "ahead of its time" after it flopped, but I just call it "shit.") Her most recent effort, Lotus, proved that she had finally caved in. She worked with the hottest producers and assembled a collection of the most reductive and formulaic dance songs you could imagine. There's a reason you're probably unaware that she released an album just last November. Obviously, this round goes to Britney!

Vocal talent
Everybody has to admit that Christina is the better vocalist. (Some even think she's black!) Britney has said, on numerous occasions, that she would like to have a voice like Christina's. While it's worth noting that Britney has an amazing voice, one that her music generally doesn't show, it's nowhere near Christina's level, and thus this round goes to Christina!

The wow factor
Slutty school girl, red latex, sheer bodysuit, albino snake, bejeweled skin, three-ring circus. What do all of these things have in common? They are elements of Britney's most memorable performances. Christina may have the better voice, but Britney has always been the better performer, and has contributed far more to pop culture iconography than Xtina could ever hope. This round goes to Britney!

Sales, numbers, and figures
Let's talk albums first. All but one of Britney's have gone to #1 in the US (Blackout hit #2). All of her albums have been certified platinum, with ...Baby One More Time and Oops!... I Did It Again both achieving the highest honor of diamond. Collectively, she has sold over 100 million albums worldwide. Only 2 of Christina's 7 albums have hit #1, and only 5 have gone platinum (the other 2 haven't even gone gold). Worldwide, she has sold 50 million albums, only have of what Britney's done.

Now let's talk singles. Both singers have boosted a surprisingly low five #1 US hits (including Britney's feature on "S&M" by Rihanna and Christina's features on "Lady Marmalade" and "Moves Like Jagger"). The only difference? The last time Christina hit #1 as a solo artist was in 2000 with "Come On Over Baby (All I Want Is You)". Britney had her last solo #1 in 2011 with "Hold It Against Me".

As for concert tours, let's just say this: Britney's Femme Fatale tour was amongst the top-selling global tours of 2011. Christina's last tour was cancelled due to lack of interest. All together now: this round goes to Britney!

The breakdowns
It's sad but true that unless Britney is going up against Lindsay Lohan or Amanda Bynes, she'll always have the burden of having had one of the biggest celebrity meltdowns ever. Between questionable parenting choices, alleged drug use, a messy divorce, and a shaved head, 2006-08 was not a great time for Brit. And even though she was never arrested like Christina was for being a damn hot mess in 2011, I have to be honest and give this round to Christina.

Lightning round!!!

•  The Voice routinely beats The X Factor in ratings. Point for Christina!
•  Everybody and their mother has come forward to say that meeting Christina was like meeting the devil himself, but Britney is constantly complimented for her sweet modesty and professionalism. Point for Britney!
• Britney doesn't exploit her children, but they're celebrities anyway, kind of in a Suri Cruise kind of way... What was Christina's kid's name again? Point for Britney!
• Madonna kissed both Britney and Christina onstage during the same performance, but only Britney's smooch made headlines. Did you even know that Christina was there? Point for Britney!
• Before P!nk, Lady Gaga, and Katy Perry started churning out songs about the underdog, Christina released "Beautiful", one of the more poignant empowerment songs for the disenfranchised. Britney's music might be more fun, but she's never recorded something this meaningful nor powerful. Point for Christina! 

It's not surprised that Britney emerges the victor. Obviously I wouldn't allow any other outcome, but the facts DO speak for themselves. If her recent album sales are anything to go by, Christina Haguilera doesn't exactly have an army of fans waiting to defend her, but don't bother trying anyway. Britney will always be queen. Thanks!

Tommy Picks the Best Songs by Former Cunts of the Week

Cunts as far as the eye can see.

While it would take an act of God for a Cunt of the Week to lose his or her title, I do recognize that it's a dubious term. Public figures (or those in your own lives!) can be such cunts but also contribute something amazing to society. And ain't that just life? Well, it's certainly not shocking that almost half of the former Cunts of the Week are from the music industry. (They can't all be Britneys, after all.) To prove the point I stated earlier, I am going to select the best jams by these musical cunts, because who am I to deny that Lady Gaga has a catchy song or two? Let's go!

Rihanna (Officially knighted cunted on September 26, 2012)

• "What's My Name?" ... I'm not sure what it is about this song, but I love it. I think it may have something to do with the fact that it was released back when my intense hatred for RiRi was a subdued intolerance. I also have a soft spot for Drake. And even though the repetitive lyrics of "Oh na na, what's my name?" get irritating (YOU'RE NAME IS FUCKING RIHANNA), this song is a jam.
• "Te Amo" ... After the whole Chris Brown beat down, Rihanna released some pretty dark tunes, including this one, in which she's the object of another woman's affections. It's a fun song with a pretty interesting message. (You might not be able to discern what that message is, however; Rihanna's Barbadian accent is on full blast here.)
• "S&M" ... It may be controversial, with an MTV-banned music video to boot, but this song is a pure and utter jam. The true party, however, started when Britney laid down some Rugrat-style vocals for the remix.

Taylor Swift (Cunted on October 10, 2012)

•  "Begin Again" ... God only knows which one of Taylor's fucks this song is about, but whoever it is, kudos to him for inspiring something good out of her for a change! The song is catchy and well-written. Best of all, it's about thinking love is a crock and then realizing that's not true once the next guy comes around; this is quite possibly her most autobiographical song to date.
• "Enchanted" ... In 2010, Taylor thought she could get away with releasing songs that clocked in around 6-7 minutes. Um, no. But one good jam came out of that batch of overinflated songs, and that's "Enchanted", which manages to both embody everything that's annoying about Tswift and somehow make it all less annoying.
• "Eyes Open" ... Why Taylor was the only artist on The Hunger Games soundtrack to get TWO songs, I'm not sure, but at least one of those songs is good, and that's this one!

Christina Aguilera (Cunted on November 28, 2012)

• "Woohoo" ... Any song that uses thin censorship while referring to genitalia instantly captures my attention. Just try and listen to this song without the lyrics "Licky licky, yum yum, what a great guy/K-kiss on my woohoo!/All over my woohoo!" getting stuck in your head! And when Nicki Minaj comes in with that rap! Ooh child!
• "Reflection" ... While Britney totally came out on top of her alleged feud with Xtina, both have a good number of 90s jams in their catalogs. The pinnacle of Christina's early career off of the Mulan soundtrack, and thereafter inspired many a school talent show performance.
• "Your Body" ... As a former Jam of the Week, this doesn't need an explanation.

Aly & AJ (Cunted on January 16, 2013)

• "Potential Break-Up Song" ... Their album needs just one, after all. While recording this jam, Aly & AJ must have finally realized that they weren't serious musicians and had a contract with fucking Disney Channel, because they abandoned their angsty acoustic crap for some autotuned dance floor BLISS. 
• "Rush" ... A lamer predecessor to Katy Perry's "Firework", "Rush" is all about not letting the haters get you down... And possibly a drug-induced rush. I'll leave it open for interpretation.
• "On the Ride" ... When I was younger, I honestly thought this was the best song on the planet. I'm pretty sure the thought, "Maybe this will win a Grammy," went through my head. My God. Thankfully that didn't happen. But it's still a fun song!

Justin Bieber (Cunted on February 6, 2013)

• "As Long As You Love Me" ... Although I was initially disappointed that this wasn't a Backstreet Boys cover, I grew to love this song. It's the first one that made me realize that maybe the Biebs had something worthwhile to listen to.
• "Beauty and a Beat" ... A former Jam of the Week with the poetic beauty of a wiener/Selena rhyme that more than explains why it's on this list.  #RIPJelena #AreTheyBackTogether? #LostAllTrack
•  "Overboard" ... So I'm not exactly sure what purpose this song serves, as a studio version has never been released, and we must make do with a live recording. But the fact that this a DUET WITH MILEY CYRUS makes it worth copious amounts of listens.

Beyoncé (Cunted on February 13, 2013)

•  "Irreplaceable" ... Who doesn't love this song? To the left, to the left. Mm, you tell him, girl! I'm not sure why she ever went on to record a Spanish version of the song, but the fact that she did just cements its universal popularity.
• "Halo" ... While Bey is far from an angel, this song is sweet and catchy. And remember when Glee mashed it up with "Walking on Sunshine"? Genius!
• "Check On It" ... Anybody who saw The Pink Panther knows what's up here. This was one of the first songs I ever put on my iPod, so it holds sentimental and nostalgic value for me.

Chris Brown (Cunted on March 27, 2013)

• "With You" ... Before he was a woman-beater who went on Twitter rants, assaulted the paparazzi, and threw television sets out of windows, Chris Brown was adorable and sweet, and "Forever" proves it. (And cue teenage girls who say things like "chris brown is so hawt i'd let him beat on me"... now.)
• "Look at Me Now" ... This song was shocking when it first came out. Chris Brown raps? Well, he does it well, or at least fast, here and I find it all very exciting!
• "Forever"... Vintage Breezy is the best, as far as he's concerned at least. I like to listen to this song while chewing Doublemint gum.

Lady Gaga (Cunted on April 17, 2013)

•  "The Edge of Glory" ... When Lady Gagme isn't trying to shove a rainbow flag down my throat whilst sporting an unflattering dress made of Kermit the Frog dolls, I can sort of see why people like her. "The Edge of Glory" is a fun and, dare I say, epic jam.
• "Paparazzi" ... The only thing better than this song is its music video, which features Alexander Skarsgard mmm.
• "Dance in the Dark" ... Always the champion for the underdog, Lady Gaga sings about self-conscious girls who like to have sex with the lights off. It's an interesting topic, one that I'm glad she explored, because the result was an irresistable jam.

The Pussycat Dolls (Cunted on May 8, 2013)

• "Jai Ho! (You Are My Destinty)" ... I've never seen Slumdog Millionaire, but I know that this song is originally from the film. Nevertheless, the Pussycat Dolls' version is so flawless that I'm sure it's better than the movie's.
• "I Hate This Part" ... One of my favorite musical themes is one in which the singer can sense the end of a relationship coming and go into denial. That's exactly what happens in this song and it's fucking genius. Stay pressed that this isn't your song.
• "Don't Cha" ... Who would I even be if I didn't include this song? It put the girl group on the map and has one of the most irresistible hooks of the 21st century: "Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me/Don't cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me." Classic.

And there you have it: proof that even the worst of cunts *coughcough*Rihanna*cough* can produce some thrilling songs. So don't be surprised if you see some of these singers' work as a Jam of the Week in the future!

Cunt of the Week: Lady Gaga

Ugh. I just can't.

In the music industry, cunts are a dime a dozen. This is perhaps best illustrated by the battle for who will surpass Madonna as the Queen of Pop. While Britney is the obvious successor, basic bitches like Katy Perry, Rihanna, and Beyoncé think they stand a chance. The only person who has come close to swiping the title is none other than this Cunt of the Week, Lady Gaga.

For those of you who don't remember who Lady Gag-a is (because she's thankfully fallen of the radar in the past year or so), allow me to refresh your memory. She's Cyndi Lauper and Elton John's lovechild who grew up to become a self-important singing gypsy. Ever since she hit the music scene in 2008, she's proven to be nothing more than an absolute cunt. The biggest problem with Lady G is the fact that everybody thinks she's the fucking mecca of pop music. Her songs are so inspirational, she is so unique, and she is so talented. Except not. That is all bullshit. And here's why.

First off, she's not all that inspiring. Between P!nk raising her glass for the under dogs and Selena Gomez shutting down anybody who says you're not perfect, empowering pop anthems are an inescapable trend. Lady Gaga is perhaps the premier engineer of such tunes. "Dance in the Dark" speaks about body image, "Americana" touches upon immigration, and of course "Born This Way" is a shout-out to the gays. But at what point do these messages stop becoming meaningful and start becoming trite? I can't say for sure, but I know for fucking sure that Lady Gaga passed that point ages ago. Maybe her songs offer hope to the downtrodden, but she exploits social issues and her fanbase to make her music even more successful than it already is and das tacky. Sorry, Little Monsters, but y'all just her prop.

Secondly, Lady Gaga is a lot of things, but unique is not one of them. Sure, she may be the first person to wear a dress made out of Kermit the Frog dolls or arrive at the Grammys in a fucking egg, but her very being is a collection of shit she's stolen from other artists. From her blonde yellow hair that has been trademarked by Cyndi Lauper for decades to her music videos that scream Michael Jackson, nothing about Lady Gag-me's artistry is special. And as if I have to say it, almost every move she makes is taken from Madonna's playbook. (Please listen to "Born This Way" and then Madonna's 1989 hit "Express Yourself" to HEAR the similarities.)

Lastly, I'll evaluate Lady Gaga's talent. Sure, she has a nice voice, and she clearly knows how to pen a jam or two. But if you take away her soap box, crazy costumes, and alienating personality, her skills are underwhelming. There's nothing she can do that her peers cannot. You may say Britney is less talented, but at least she sets the trends in pop music. (Rolling Stone didn't name Blackout the most influential pop album of the past five years for shits and giggles.) Lady Gaga is always behind the curve.

Lady Gaga is not the pop engineer everybody thinks she is. In fact, she's the most reductive, redundant, irrelevant cunt on the block. I'll leave you with this graphic, which displays Lady Gaga's only lasting impact on the industry.

One list Britney will never be on.

20 Things You Didn't Know About Britney Spears

Bow down.

1. For "...Baby One More Time", record label execs originally wanted an animated music video about Britney fighting robots. She told them it was a bad idea and pitched them the now-iconic Catholic school girl theme we see in the video today. Filming took place at Venice High School, where films like Grease and Heathers were also shot. Britney later called the cartoon robot idea the worst advice she's ever gotten.
2. Britney is the only person to perform live with both Madonna and Michael Jackson, and thanks to MJ kicking the bucket, she always will be.
3. The song "Umbrella" was originally written for Britney, but she rejected it and it was then given to Rihanna. (If only she took it... Would we be living in a Rihanna-less utopia today?!)
4. Britney's debut album was originally going to be similar to Sheryl Crow's music, but she ultimately decided to go in the pop direction and recorded most of ...Baby One More Time in Sweden.
5. In 2007, Britney embarked on a 6-date House of Blues concert tour under the pseudonym of The M+Ms. Once the public learned that the act was Britney, all the shows sold out. Tickets originally cost $35 but were scalped for as much as $500. Britney's set contained five songs. That's right! People coughed up half a grand to see the queen perform for 13 minutes!
6. Britney was in talks to join a girl group called Innosense when she was signed as a solo artist in 1997 instead. (wtf is innosence?)
7. Released during her highly publicized meltdown, Blackout is one of Britney's most critically-acclaimed albums and her only one to be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. It is also the album over which she had the most creative control, as she served as executive producer. #Blackout2.0
8. Before she was Lady Gaga, Stefani Germanotta was a songwriter for Britney, who recorded "Telephone" for her sixth album Circus but ultimately decided not to use it. So basically one of Lady G's biggest songs is a Britney leftover. Love it!
9. Britney's third album was self-titled because the singer said it reflected where she was in her life at the time; however, as Britney's release coincided with that of her film Crossroads, it was used as a de facto soundtrack for the movie. As a result, much of the album's personal material was scrapped in favor of songs that appeared in the film, such as the cover of "I Love Rock N Roll".
10. Britney was originally considered for the role of Daisy Duke in the film adaptation of The Dukes of Hazzard, but it ultimately went to Jessica Simpson. Thank God. That movie was a train wreck.
11. During the four years between In The Zone and Blackout, Britney recorded an entire album entitled The Original Doll. However, the album, which would have contained stripped down songs, was shelved for unknown reasons.
12. Britney's sons, Sean and Jayden, have been nicknamed French Fry and Tater Tot by the media.
13. Britney was the inspiration for the film Country Star, which chronicles the comeback of a fallen country star.
14. ClearChannel, the largest owner of radio stations in America, was so disgruntled when Britney chose Pepsi to sponsor her Dream Within a Dream tour over them that they banned her music from its stations for several years. For this reason, many of Britney's singles underperformed; she did not follow-up 1998's "...Baby One More Time" with another #1 in the U.S. until "Womanizer" ten years later.
15. Britney wrote "Everytime" after seeing ex-boyfriend Justin Timberlake's music video for "Cry Me a River", which features a Spears lookalike.
16. "Hold It Against Me" was originally written with Katy Perry in mind, until songwriters Max Martin and Dr. Luke decided it was better suited for Britney.
17. Britney was the sixth person to reach 10 million followers on Twitter.
18. Britney's film Crossroads was written by Shonda Rhymes, who later went on to create Grey's Anatomy.
19. Like many celebrities, Britney often travels under fake names. Some of these have included Mrs. Diana Prince, Queen of the Fairy Dance, and Mrs. Abra Cadabra.
20. Britney's debut album was originally going to be self-titled, but Jive Records wanted to capitalize on the success its lead single, "...Baby One More Time", was experiencing by naming the album after it. Oops!... I Did It Again was originally called Sunflower but was changed for the same reason. (Bonus: the reason "...Baby One More Time" appears as it does is because Jive feared that its full title, "Hit Me Baby One More Time", would be misconstrued as domestic violence.)

30 Reasons Why You're Not a True Britney Fan

She smells posers.

In today's world, it's hard to tell who's genuine and who's fake as fuck. One of the most colorful illustrations of this struggle is with the Britney fan. Obviously, you suck at life if you aren't a fan of the Queen of Pop. The trouble is, however, some people only pretend to be fans of Britney in order to avoid public persecution. What about YOU? Do you have what it takes to be a true fan, or are you just a poser? Let's see.

You are not a true Britney fan if...

1. Your favorite Britney song is "...Baby One More Time", "Oops!... I Did It Again", "Lucky", or "Toxic". If any of those are your favorite song, you are so basic and uninspired, it's embarrassing.
2. You didn't support her during the Dark Ages (2006-2008).
3. You have ever called yourself a little monster.
4. "My Only Wish (This Year)" is not one of your holiday music staples.
5. You don't acknowledge Blackout and Femme Fatale as not only her strongest albums, but some of the best albums of all time.
6. You try to insinuate that ...Baby One More Time is her best album to date.
7. You're unaware that Rihanna's "S&M" didn't go to #1 until Britney did the remix.
8. You've never been to a Britney Spears concert.
9. You've never seen The X Factor.
10. You don't know which music video the red jumpsuit is from. (It's "Oops!" in case you're one of them basic bitches.)
11. Your tumblr dashboard isn't full of Britney gifs.
12. You don't understand the importance of Starbucks, Cheetos, vanilla-scented candles, and Adele as they pertain to Britney.
13. You don't know who Jason Trawick is.
14. You took Justin Timberlake's side during the break-up.
15. You don't get the "Radar" joke.
16. You didn't even know there was a "Radar" joke until you read #15.
17. You think "Hit Me Baby One More Time" and "Dancing Till the World Ends" are the full titles of two of her songs.
18. You've ever been Team Christina.
19. You think she's a bad role model.
20. You think she's a bad mother.
21. The song title "Rebellion" means nothing to you.
22. You don't know who Sabi is.
23. You've never seen Crossroads.
24. You can't say which song "It's Britney, bitch" comes from.
25. You don't acknowledge the Madonna-Britney kiss as a passing of the torch from the former Queen of Pop to the current.
26. You don't know what "If U Seek Amy" means.
27. You didn't know that Rihanna's "Umbrella" and Lady Gaga's "Telephone" were both originally written for Britney, but she turned that shit down.
28. You don't think that December 2 should be a national holiday and Kentwood, Louisiana a national landmark.
29. You think "Soda Pop" is fun, catchy, and totally classic Britney.
30. You think The Original Doll is a nickname for whoever established The Pussycat Dolls.

There you have it. Thirty reasons why you may not be a true Britney fan. If you can say with absolute certainty that nothing on that list applies to you, congrats! Welcome to the family. However, if even one item describes you in the least bit, you can just go hang your head in shame. Ain't nobody got time for you.