Bitch of the Week: Scarlett O'Hara

Fiddle dee dee.

Gone With the Wind has been called a lot of things: a masterpiece, an epic story of romance, one of the greatest films of all time, etc. If you ask me, I say it's a fascinating but overinflated wartime soap opera that glamorizes slavery but, more importantly, celebrates bitchery in its true form. Scarlett O'Hara, the film's protagonist, proves that you can still be a megabitch, even in the face of poverty, death, social upheaval, and hideously misguided fashion choices.

If you haven't seen the film, the entire premise centers around this: Scarlett learns that the man of her dreams, Ashley Wilkes, is engaged to Melanie Hamilton. "Not if I can help it," is essentially Scarlett's response, and what follows is a four-hour saga in which she blows through three marriages, nurses wounded soldiers, nearly starves to death, and single-handedly revives Tara, her desolate family plantation, all in hopes of winning Ashley in the end. All the while, Rhett Butler, a disgraced playboy of sorts, vies for her affection. But forget all that Civil War crap! Let's delve into Scarlett's undeniable bitchery.

When the film begins, Scarlett is living the dream on Tara. Her milkshake brings all the boys to the plantation, she's the center of attention at every party, and she exercises her bitch reflexes through non-stop bickering with a sassy house slave named, with such racial sensitivity, Mammy. Of course, with all the talk about a potential civil war, Scarlett is BORED AS HELL.

And even though Scarlett can have any man she wants, a man isn't anything to her if he isn't Ashley Wilkes. When Ashley rebuffs her romantic advances and marries Melanie as arranged, Scarlett snatches up Melanie's brother Charles and marries him faster than you can say "great balls of fire." Just as swiftly, the poor bastard goes to war and dies. (What can ya do?) Scarlett isn't phased. "My life is over," she assesses. "Nothing will ever happen to me anymore!"

Tired of mourning, Scarlett hits up the social scene in Atlanta, where she also works as nurse tending to wounded soldiers. Until she quits. "I'm going home," she says upon being asked to help with an amputation. "I've done enough." Home is hardly any different, as Scarlett promises Ashley that she'll care for an ailing and pregnant Melanie while he's off to war. Scarlett keeps her promise, but secretly plans to steal Ashley once he returns. #HomewreckersHaveMoreFun

A few Yankee invasions later, Scarlett, Melanie, the baby, and a basic bitch of a house slave named Prissy embark on the long journey back to Tara. With no food, their travels nearly kill them, and they arrive at the plantation to find that it's gone to shit. This is when S does her whole "As god is my witness, I'll never be hungry again!" spiel.

With no help from her reductive sisters, Scarlett brings the plantation back to prosperity and rewards herself by marrying her sister's beau, Frank Kennedy, whose general store and lumber mill make Scarlett very wealthy again. Of course, when Scarlett is nearly gang raped in a shantytown, Frank and his pals raid the impoverished community, and he dies. Oh well! C'est la vie.

Scarhett.

Now, after years of unrequited love, Rhett finally has his chance. Scarlett agrees to marry him, just for the fun of it, and they have a child, Bonnie. (At this point, I should mention that Scarhett, as I'm calling them, had crossed paths numerable times, and she repeatedly aroused him with her rejection.)

However, an embrace between Scarlett and Ashley sparks rumors that they're engaged in an illicit affair, which puts a damper on their marriage. There's also the fact that, like a true bitch, Scarlett didn't appreciate that Bonnie totally fucked up her figure, and now she doesn't want any more children. So in a drunken fit, Rhett rapes her. Then she gets pregnant. Then has a miscarriage. Then Bonnie dies. Then Melanie dies, and Scarlett finally realizes that Ashley was truly in love with his wife and never Scarlett. And Scarlett herself discovers that she truly loves Rhett. But it's all too late, as Rhett leaves her. She picks herself up once again, and like a champ, vows to get Rhett back. "After all," she tells herself. "Tomorrow's another day." And that's the end.

So, after Scarlett buries two husbands and both parents, survives war, near starvation, and povety, and endures rape, a miscarriage, the loss of her child, and assault, the only thing she learns is that she's been chasing the wrong guy. Gotta love this girl!

Carry on, my bitches.